Most days I can’t stand to look at myself in one of the few mirrors I own. I avoid looking as I pass. When I do make the mistake of stopping to look my mind starts hurling insults. “Fat. Disgusting. Flabby arms. Sagging breasts. Big gut.“
Or should I talk about the numerous times per week I cry when trying to pick an outfit. Every couple of months I grow out of whatever could fit. Or I find that what I put on no longer looks good. So I buy new clothes. But they look nothing like they looked on the model and I’m reduced to tears.
Why can’t I ever win? Why can’t I ever fit into my clothes? Why can’t I stay fitting in them? Why do I have to look so terrible in these clothes? Why can’t I get to wear nice things? Cute things? Sleeveless and strapless and backless like all the beautiful women get to wear?
But I’m not them. I’m me.
Trapped in a body that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do. A body fighting a silent illness. But everybody thinks I’m just fat and lazy and not trying hard enough.
And so I hide. I would enter every room and find ways to make myself as small as possible. Maybe if I shrink enough, people won’t see me. They won’t notice all the things that are wrong with me. Maybe if I’m quiet enough they won’t know enough about me to be disappointed. Maybe if I never let people see me, they’ll stick around. Maybe this time, I won’t scare them away and I won’t have to deal with pangs of rejection.
These thoughts Juxtaposed with these images. When I look at them my mind doesn’t recognize them as me. They look like someone else entirely. I actually look pleasing. Beautiful. Who is this person? I cannot reconcile it with the person I think of myself as. And to lots of people who have never struggled with body image it’s hard to explain the thought process.
But for me, my story is Fraught with a lack of control and the frustration around that.
I have a body that tries it’s best, but it’s ill. I don’t have much control over my weight gain, the way the folds of my skin darken, hair loss, male pattern hair growth. I can’t just eat well and exercise and get the body I want. And the frustration from that has been devastating. So I’ve kind of given up. Numbed my mind to the image of me. The ever changing image. Because if I stop to look at the changes I’ll witness my body spinning out of control while I’m helpless to stop it.
And it might seem simple. But it’s huge. Especially when you’re constantly bombarded by pictures of people with smaller bodies, smoother bodies, lighter bodies. Bodies with flat stomachs, perky boobs, big butts and tiny waists. Bodies that are hairless and without a scratch. Bodies with no cellulite or stretch marks. Bodies with no folds or flabs. Basically bodies that look nothing like mine.
It makes me ask “So what’s wrong with mine? Why don’t people like me ever get to look pretty like that?”
This project was defiance. It was me ignoring the noise in my head and deciding to go for it. I always complain about not seeing bodies like mine being portrayed as beautiful, powerful, worthy. And it was not easy. I probably spent most of the shoot time ignoring the fact that I was literally naked outside. Where people can see me. People CAN SEE my whole body. Every SINGLE insecurity is on full display. But I tried to focus on embodying these different sides of me.
The darkness, the fierceness, the fire.
The soft nurturer.
The sweet angel.
And I was blown away when I saw the final product. I literally screamed! Is that me?! I.. I looked… Beautiful. I can look beautiful. And I wondered for a moment if this is what everyone else sees. Just me. Being me.
I think it’s important, no matter how I feel, to show up and try. Because I find that my biggest critic is me, and sometimes stepping back and seeing what other people see can really open up your perspective.
So this is for you as much as it is for me. To remind us both that we are beautiful with our bodies as they are now. And while how we feel about our bodies matters, it isn’t the entirety of who we are. They are our vessels. And they’re doing the best they can.
So to my body. Thank you, for doing all the things you do for me. And to every person who ever looks at me with joy, with kindness and with neutrality, thank you too. You make my days easier and remind me I’m always beautiful. And I want to give that gift back to you dear reader. No matter how you’re feeling right now, you’re doing the best you can. And you’re beautiful.
Xoxo Olivia
Special thanks to Terry for being so supportive during this whole process. Your steady guidance in helping to capture me was literal magic. Thank you to my make up artists Tameka Nelson (Tameka Nelson Artistry) and Amoi Rhoden for making these looks come to life. To Asheika McNab for my beautiful wings and crown. To Keisha (Cre8ted On Purpose) for set design and all the other support . To Shaneé from Press Kouture for my nails. To my amazing family and friends who helped with hair, makeup and other production elements, I couldn’t have done it without you – Chelsea, Christopher, Shoshana, Justin, Chloe, Shaneé and Marcia.
Thank you all for helping me create these beautiful Moments in Time.
26 Comments
Wow, this is beautiful. You are beautiful.
Thank you so much 🥺
Happy Birthday love! Continue to show your beauty….inside and out. ❤
Absolutely beautiful! Your writing and your photos! Hope you have a wonderful birthday and year.
I am so inspired by this modern day heroine.
These are amazing
Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!!
Woww!! You have grown into an amazing woman and motivator, i’m so inspired by journey and fierceness. It takes courage to put yourself out there in such a vulnerable and authentic way and I truly appreciate it. You are beautiful inside and out and just remember you are not hair or your skin u are that amazing soul that lives within, God made you absolutely special.
Happy birthday Olivia! This vulnerability is touching and you look absolutely gorgeous! Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you for Sharing your vulnerability with us ❤ you’re looking stunning as usual ❤
This is amazing! I am happy that you finally saw yourself in a beautiful light. Glow on Girl!! Excellent job Terry!!
I’m so glad you decided to ignore the noise and show up in your entire, full, abundant glory! Love you Liv!!!!
Your story brought me to tears n i was just here to see the pictures.
You are bewtiful beautiful😍.
Absolutely beautiful, it’s your body who else is gonna love it the way u do 🤗
Absolutely beautifully said and beautifully captured!! Thanks for representing the “unseen” xoxo Happy Birthday Olivia😊
This is beautifully said, I have the same struggle with a body that is silently ill, can’t control the weight gain, male pattern hair growth etc.. thanks for representing our kind of body and for stepping out and stop listening to the voices in your head. Thanks for the inspiration.
Have a fabulous and fantastic birthday.
These photos are stunning and the story behind it resonates with me so much
Oh! To have your courage! I am still not confident enough to wear certain things without a bra. Kudos to you!
Amazing photos and relatable story. Blessings on your Birthday.
Continue to be bold, to be beautiful and to break barriers. You inspire me.
This is absolutely beautiful Liv, thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us. Others need to read your story. We all need to learn to love ourselves for who we are. The shots.. utterly amazing and you, absolutely beautiful! You are a real one Liv, a real woman sharing her struggles and embracing her natural beauty.. love love it!
Olivia, I celebrate the bravery and courage you display – not for baring your body because beauty in all shapes and sizes deserves to be celebrated – but for being so open and vulnerable in sharing your struggles. For that you are to be admired. Many of us have struggles we don’t admit to, much less talk about. And so I celebrate that you are teaching us and showing the way. I hope that these images help you and others to feel the beauty in all of us. Thank you for sharing your birthday with us in this way. 🤗
More and more I am in awe of the beautiful soul that Olivia is. This post was heartfelt, inspiring, making me feel so proud of her and her journey & the positive impact that she is having on others.
This put me in a mode of introspection, examining my insecurities and realising that those feelings are unwarranted…we are all unique and wonderful beings.. OLIVIA YOU ROCK!! Beautiful, Bold & Brilliant..I wanna be like you when I grow up!
This is soooo truly amazing. Congratulations love. Your journey is something beautiful
Wonderful baring of ones vulnerabilities that will certainly strengthen others. True healing and motivation in art. Hope you have an awesome birthday
Belated Happy Birthdayyy hun! This entire blog is beautiful 👌🏽😍. You had me so pumped and you did not disappoint. Don’t ever forget that you’re a beautiful woman inside AND out okuurr!
Ps. The Angel ones are my fave 🔥. And your Maleficent makeup is whew! 🔥🔥. Every picture is perfect!
Sending you love and light boo 😘💕.